Life is pretty packed up right now. This morning I woke up 6am and realised that it’s all dark outside. Every year I feel it comes like a little shock. It was the first reality check, that winter is really coming. I think I haven't really register yet that the sunlight is fading away faster and faster and days will be short soon. Even shorter. Glasgow will get incredible cold and crispy but without the snow so all will be dark and cold. I don’t really mind the cold part. I like to be packed up and wearing my warm clothes. It makes me feel better. But I am not so sure about the darkness. It makes me always feel like bit more sleepier than I am. And without the snow it will be just wet. Snow is important when it’s winter. It balances the darkness what’s gone.
Yesterday I met a person who said that this time of the year is his favourite because of the colours. I looked around and it was all grey. Few yellow leafs still on the trees but the wind what’s been outside the few couple of days have done a good job when it comes to make the nature look more like winter. It’s not the colourful beautiful fall colours what we are talking about. It’s the last minutes before falling to sleep.
I spend most of my time in studio. I get here every morning around 9:30 and will leave… some time between seven and eight. It’s a routine and I like routines. Accomplishing daily tasks and pushing them more and more makes me feel powerful. I’m in a endless journey of pushing myself right now. Saying that everything is possible have never felt so real. Living in it is totally different feeling.
It’s Friday soon and I feel like a old person. Fridays and Saturdays are the only days when I feel old. Knowledge of Friday gives me anxiety because I feel that I need to do something. I need to go drinking and socialising. I need to do all the wild stuff what people do when it’s Friday. Get drunk, dance a lot in noisy places, lose themselves. None of them are what I like to do. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable of saying it out loud, as I feel judged. Probably I am the only one who truly judges myself of not liking it. I never have. I dislike the feel of being out of control. I dislike the feeling that I am not the maximum of my productivity next day. I dislike dancing like no tomorrow in noisy dark places and raising my voice when wanting to communicate. That makes me feel really not like 23, what I am.
I wrote long time ago to myself a sentence that: “Right now I work hard and after that I can party at parties what actually matter.”
Having a good time in my world is probably slightly different than for other 23 years old kids. Maybe I’m missing out something. Maybe I gain something. I like to believe I’m gaining. I’ll work now and party later. Magazine I used to work once had a interview with one of really amazing designer in Estonia, named Piret Puppart who said something what I remember and carry with and she said: “Work yourself irreplaceable.” This is exactly my plan right now.
Other than that, life is good. I hope i’m not really falling off of things what actually matter, such as relationships, friends and family. I’m reminding it to myself every now and then and I think by far I’m doing solid good. Soon is Christmas and I can go back to Iceland. Oh, how I miss this country. I wanna go to mountains and walk around my streets. Meet my people and have a well deserved vacation in a way.